god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
