I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
