I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
