im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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