I looked at my own cervix.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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