so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
