here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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