u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
