This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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