I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
