bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
ok first of all what the fuck
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
