you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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