May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
