Soap is not a condiment
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
