How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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