i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
