my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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