Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can feel your judgement through the phone
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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