I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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