Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
