highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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