I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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