So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
