I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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