You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Still dying that you shit outside
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My life is pants optional.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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