I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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