I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
