My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
