the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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