o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
