My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
