I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize