There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
