respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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