As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
