Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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