There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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