So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
