i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
