Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
