I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
