Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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