Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dicks are not precious.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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