I'm gonna have a badass scar
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
