I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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