There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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