home. puking in laundry basket.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
