I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
