I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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