I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
