My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
