last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
