My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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