I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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